mindful.

"I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... 

I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...."   — Erica Jong

I have this image of me when I'm old. I know exactly who I want to be and for the most part, what I want that part of my life to look like. Its the in between that I struggle to envision. But I can feel myself grow more confident as time passes and I am proud to say my heart has grown much more open to life in general. 

Still, there is a lot I am working on.

My boss and I trade books with each other often, and I always have about five different books going at the same time - its interesting how frequently they all seem to tie together, completely unplanned.

The author I am reading now struggled a lot with confidence and the impact it had on her weight. She was unhealthy, constantly binging and dieting, binging and dieting. At one point she goes to a sort of camp in the middle of nowhere where she is forced to spend 15 hours a day meditating. 

Can you imagine spending 15 hours alone in just your mind?

At first feeling crazy, wanting to scream and run the heck away from there as fast as you can.  And then gradually building endurance. Figuring out how to calm your mind, control it and think clearly. 

A lot of times I have to write my prayers - it helps me stay focused and clear, but I wonder what practicing mediation would do - just 10 minutes a day. To get to a place where I can quiet my mind and be able to focus on a single thought without having to write it down. 

Its much harder than you think.