the need for a sunrise

“Our minds, as well as our bodies, have need of the out-of-doors. Our spirits, too, need simple things, elemental things, the sun and the wind and the rain, moonlight and starlight, sunrise and mist and mossy forest trails, the perfumes of dawn and the smell of fresh-turned earth and the ancient music of wind among the trees.” 

― Edwin Way Teale

 The best part about commuting an hour and half in to work with Mr. D every day

is that we leave as the sun begins pouring liquid gold over the rolling hills. 

To witness it takes your breath away like that first cold ocean wave against your legs, 

its grandeur and vastness spread out before you full of hope and possibility.

This is our last week of work here in the District before we head to Boston. 

I prepped the temp this morning on work projects while I'm on maternity leave

and I've begun boxing my office things for the trek up North. 

Sometimes I dont know which is more surreal:

the fact that we are officially moving in less than a week

or the fact that we will meet baby girl in 10 weeks or less. 

So many adventures ahead...

and thankfully lots of sunrises along the way. 

 

having a hot chocolate kind of day.

“The simple things are also the most extraordinary things,

and only the wise can see them.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

 Making [multiple] big grown-up decisions [all at the same time] is so hard...

especially when the outcomes no longer just effect you, but a family (with a baby) too. 

If only we had a tree of unlimited funds...and maybe a crystal ball.

The most important thing at the end of the day is this little family of mine.

Oh, what a full year I feel like we have already had...its so hard to believe its only the end of January.

I see a lot of hot chocolate in my future today.

 

a shining barrier; or "a fortified place with the walls and watchtowers gleaming white like the cliffs of England. "

"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, 

so unable to find the words, and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, 

that we don't know at all that it is the same with others."
— Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy 

 We came home from a baby shower last night (a guys wing night in Mr. D's case)

and went for a walk with Lucy girl. 

 The weather was perfect. It was after 10 pm and neither of us wore a coat.

I dont know exactly what it is that I love so much about our walks.

They aren't particularly long or groundbreaking 

but somehow I feel like the joint traverse binds us together.

As if at the end of our separate days, 

the solidarity of our walk as a family unites the hours spent apart.

This morning, as we both got ready for the day

I was reminded of an unavoidable separateness ahead

and found myself contemplating hopes and dreams

and wishing all sorts of things. 

photo from Sally Jane Vintage.

whispered secrets.

"Because paper has more patience than people. "
— Anne Frank

 Sometimes I don't even dare let the ink of my pen whisper my thoughts to its paper friend -

even as its stark white silence beckons. Drawing me near.

I've learned that there is not enough patience in the world for all of the thoughts I have.

Even my own mind betrays me.

So I've taken to the company of trees.

They are always abiding, as beautiful and alive as they are.

We have this silent agreement

that no matter what I say - they will never back away,

only bend and sway.

photo by the marvelous annette pehrsson

night walks.

"Believing takes practice."

— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

 The quiet methodical placement of one foot in front of the other is so healing. 

It forces your mind to keep on moving and your heart to steady its beating. Soon,

it takes less effort to remember to step.. and before you know it you're whole city blocks ahead.

And I highly recommend walking in twos...

One of the first things Mr. D ever said to me was that he liked how I walked - normally

he has to slow down to keep up with others...be we, 

we just naturally walk to the same rhythm.

I'm so thankful for our almost daily walks together with Lucy...

eyeing houses and dreaming things and always so thankful to end up back home - 

the three of us.

to pursue beauty to its lair

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget."

— Arundhati Roy   

      I had a hard day at work yesterday, 

but the sunrise this morning truly brought forth joy and light. 

It is so easy for me to let my own shortcomings and areas of weakness 

cast gray clouds over hope. 

 I love writing, but I am not a very good communicator when it doesn't involve pen and paper.

I dont easily let my guard down and I'm often quiet around people I'm not very familiar with.

These are not strengths. Especially when I truly do have a great love and admiration for people.

The art of forgetting oneself. 

No matter your surroundings. 

Because in order to truly pursue beauty and care for others

I have to get out of the way.

photo from flickr.

do you remember.

"Even now, all possible feelings do not yet exist,
there are still those that lie beyond our capacity and our imagination.
From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written or a painting no one has ever painted,
or something else impossible to predict, fathom or yet describe
takes place, a new feeling enters the world.
And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling,
the heart surges and absorbs the impact."

— Nicole Krauss (The History of Love)

I woke up this morning feeling things that yesterday were only slivers of shadows

I wish I could remember the first time the ocean swallowed my feet

and this is what I thought when I first arose 

and felt the scorching hot water pound on my back in the shower

this morning I was running, but not away from anything 

instead toward

and it felt good and comforting, excitement swelling

and its still there as I sit with tons of stuff to get done

a steady list to check off 

but its all attainable, things I know I can accomplish 

and so I feel as though Im soaring 

like the first time you ran along the edge of the water

pushing your toes against the sand trying to lift off before you sink from your own weight

chasing a seagull you know you will never catch

running as fast as you can with arms outstretched 

and to you its not disappointing when you come to a stop

your feet still planted firmly on the ground -

sinking with the rushing sand -

because you were flying all along.

I remember that run as if it happened a single time, 

a single particular moment in my life that Ive been reliving

but now I cant remember if it ever actually happened at all.

photography by Annette Pehrsson

another rainy monday.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
— Mahatma Gandhi

I can't believe another weekend has come and gone

or that October is so quickly rolling along. 

Its drizzly and in the 50s in the District today and my body has not yet woken up.

I was so busy this weekend - I can feel the hours of work wearing down on me.

Beautiful pictures covered my computer screen this morning

like a punch in the stomach. 

But even though I can count a million things I wish were different, 

there are a million more that I am thankful for

So I am consciously focusing on those blessings 

 and holding on to them as tight as I can on this rainy Monday morning.

 

 

photo here.

bound.

For a true writer each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. Then sometimes, with great luck, he will succeed. 

- Ernest Hemingway

 

I have an addiction to writing. A constant battle raging in my head. 

Blurred characters mucking about who I frantically want to see and attempt to adequately describe

I had always assumed they would present themselves to me, with little effort on my part

but the more I write, the more I want to write and the more I want to elucidate

The task is daunting...

so unapproachable that I thought I would resolve to write about the existing and already breathing instead

but I would be forced to exaggerate, to blur the edge of reality - 

a risk that is far too great - I dread I would hurt or offend those involved

So, I am facing my greatest fear - out of necessity and for my own sanity...

To create life that I believe in.

 

photograph by Annette Pehrsson

mindful.

"I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... 

I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...."   — Erica Jong

I have this image of me when I'm old. I know exactly who I want to be and for the most part, what I want that part of my life to look like. Its the in between that I struggle to envision. But I can feel myself grow more confident as time passes and I am proud to say my heart has grown much more open to life in general. 

Still, there is a lot I am working on.

My boss and I trade books with each other often, and I always have about five different books going at the same time - its interesting how frequently they all seem to tie together, completely unplanned.

The author I am reading now struggled a lot with confidence and the impact it had on her weight. She was unhealthy, constantly binging and dieting, binging and dieting. At one point she goes to a sort of camp in the middle of nowhere where she is forced to spend 15 hours a day meditating. 

Can you imagine spending 15 hours alone in just your mind?

At first feeling crazy, wanting to scream and run the heck away from there as fast as you can.  And then gradually building endurance. Figuring out how to calm your mind, control it and think clearly. 

A lot of times I have to write my prayers - it helps me stay focused and clear, but I wonder what practicing mediation would do - just 10 minutes a day. To get to a place where I can quiet my mind and be able to focus on a single thought without having to write it down. 

Its much harder than you think.